Fat, Dumb and Happy?

I have lost and gained a couple of me by now.  But I have also lost and gained some other things along the way, mostly knowledge. 

Around the time that I lost weight the first time, during culinary school, was coincidentally the same time that I first found my way onto the World Wide Web.  Growing up, I had learned to believe that guys did not date fat girls.  And I erected a pretty big wall around myself to protect against that kind of rejection.  The internet taught me that this was not the way of the world, at least not the world of the BBW (big beautiful woman).  Ironically I was that big at the time.  But I did learn that there are many men out there that are not only willing to date a woman who is above average weight but many of them who prefer a pleasingly plump figure.

When I gained that weight back, I discovered that I had also gained a sense of self-esteem that had nothing to do with what I weighed.  I knew that I was the same person inside no matter what was going on outside.  And I deserved to be loved for all of it.

When I was engaged and looking forward to my wedding, I worked incredibly hard to lose weight.  I counted calories and exercised daily.  I joined a gym and worked with machines to help tone my shape.  I was successful but I felt deprived all the time.  I would see a commercial for a new kind of candy bar and feel sad that it was something I couldn’t have on my diet.  After the wedding pictures were all taken and placed carefully in an album that I could truly be proud of, my motivation waned and my waistline waxed.  It became unfortunate that one of the last things I remember my grandmother saying to me before she passed away was, “I see you are gaining back the weight.”

What I learned from this trip around the failure track was two fold.  First, if your motivation comes from a single event or goal, once that event passes so will your motivation.  Secondly, if you feel deprived all the time, you are not going to stick with it.  One more lesson learned from both of my previous attempts at a thinner me was to never say never.  As in, I will never be so stupid as to gain all this weight back again.  I learned this lesson so well that I had to prove it one more time when I again lost weight during my divorce and gained it back after.

So now we come to the big question.  What is different this time?  Yes, I am in transition again.  But I won’t call it a diet.  And there is quite a lot that I am doing differently although I still won’t say, “never again.” 

First, I am not trying to lose weight.  I am trying to make healthier decisions.  I can honestly say I don’t even know what my current weight is and I am pretty sure there isn’t a whole lot of women in America who can claim that.  We are obsessed with weight.  And women of all sizes are wishing they weighed just a little less or had a smaller this or bigger that.  I haven’t been on a scale since I started making changes and I plan to keep it that way.  I know I have lost weight.  My clothes fit better, my feet hurt less and people have noticed at work.  But knowing that number won’t do me any good.

I am trying to develop a lifestyle that I can live with and if that means that I live a little longer and healthier, then that is all the better.  I am back on the bike for half an hour a day and I realize that every time I have regained weight it started with slacking off on exercise.  I am choosing whole grains over refined ones and low-fat dairy products over full-fat.  I am cooking most of what I eat in order to know what is going in and avoiding overly processed foods.  I eat when I am hungry but snack on way more fruits and veggies.  And if I feel deprived, I give myself a break.  

With any luck and lots of hard work, I plan to be a little less fat, a little less dumb and a whole lot more happy.